Is there peace of mind?

“I understand about indecision
But I don’t care if I get behind
People livin’ in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind”

These lyrics by Tom Scholz have been running through my head recently. The song is entitled “Peace of Mind” and is affiliated with the band Boston. I’m aware this band was/is quite popular and I’m certain I could sing along with many of their hit songs. But, trust me, you don’t want me to sing. As a wordsmith, phrases often capture my attention.

After reading a bit about this band, it seems they rose to prominence in the mid-70s and peaked in the 1980s. They were never at the top of my list and may have never made it to any mixed-tape I may have made in the 1980s. However, I’m sure I sang along to their tunes on the radio.

The 1980s was my lost decade. It started out well enough but progressively worsened with each year. I will share that I righted the ship of my life by the end of the decade but I’m far from ready to discuss the events of the decade as a whole. What does this have to do with anything? By now, I’m sure you think I’ve just created a huge tangent. Though I’m proficient at tangential thinking and storytelling, this is not one of those moments.

“All I want is to have my peace of mind.” This is all I’ve ever wanted. I’ve worked toward it my whole life but it remains out of my grasp. On a simple level I will admit my life is stable. My possessions are meaningful and more than sufficient. My career was meaningful and more than sufficient. That’s the tangible stuff. Peace of mind is a subjective concept and could be seen as tangible or intangible. Individuals measure peace of mind in any of a number of ways.

I’d like to experience this state as I conceive it to be. Here’s the real tale. I don’t know that it will ever happen. Words of a pessimist? No, words of a realist. I have a handful of chronic illnesses. That’s not an unusual state for many individuals. A couple of mine, severe depression & generalized anxiety disorder, while manageable, are very challenging. My life has been a series of obstacles and speed bumps. Again, not unusual for most individuals.

“Don’t let me be misunderstood.” A song written for Nina Simone, best remembered as a cover by the Animals. I’m misunderstood a great deal. Why? Because many people are dismissive of mental health conditions and illnesses. People don’t think they’re real. People think they may be overcome with more effort and self-discipline. People just don’t comprehend what it really is.

I used to tell my students that it’s okay to be ignorant. It’s what you choose to do about your ignorance that’s important. So if you read about people who talk about how difficult it is to get out of bed at times, or shower, or pay a bill…please, take them seriously. The vast majority of us are sincere and challenged by the most simple of tasks at times. We aren’t lazy. We don’t lack ambition or self-discipline. In fact, we possess a rare and unique superpower. Many of us have the ability to function in a “normal” manner and to seem as though we don’t have the slightest of issues with life. It’s taken us a long time to hone those skills and the “I’m normal” facade is exhausting to maintain.

How do I know this is genuine and real? Because I live it. Every.Single.Day. There is no vacation from it. It never takes a day off. When I say this existence is exhausting, it’s truly impossible to describe the levels of physical and mental exhaustion. Does it ever end? That I cannot tell you, except to say that some choose to end it themselves. Two folks, whom I called friends, could not bear it any longer. I miss them beyond any logical explanation. Because I know. I get it. It’s hard.

I don’t want pity. I want understanding. Take a little time to read about mental health illnesses. Don’t dismiss us as lazy and indifferent. It comes at a great personal cost. It influences friendships, intimate relationships, credit scores, day-to-day life, maintaining one’s physical health…just too many things to list. And please, please, please understand that when you say, “take a deep breath and get some air,” “put your big girl panties on,” “you’ll be fine,” “did your cleaning lady quit?,” you contribute to our self-mortification and lack of confidence. Self-education is good. Besides, I’ve worked too damn hard to give up.