Always waiting…

I feel my life has been spent in a perpetual state of anticipation. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to be noticed. Waiting for Godot. Waiting for purpose. I’ve waited for that “something” for a majority of my life to my own detriment.

I will be forever waiting. “I have climbed highest mountains/I have run through the fields.” These words from U2 metaphorically describe a constant feeling within my mind. “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.” Will I be searching forever?

Not to be trite, but I’m looking for purpose. What is my purpose for being here? My consciousness holds so many ideas that have never come to fruition. Though it isn’t my “fault” my ideas haven’t come to fruition, it’s more of a lack of being assertive. I’ve never been one to prioritize my ideas to a group. Is that what’s holding me back? Doubtful.

I wrote a book. Some might say, “big deal it’s just a local history book.” I’m not dismissing it. Far from it. I’m proud of my effort. Mostly I’m a better person due to the interactions with the book’s readers.

And yet, I wait. Wait for inspiration. Wait for that one moment. Wait as life goes on around me. “Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow..” lamented Macbeth as he had not realized the depths of his descent into a horrible hell. That isn’t what I want. Nor am I the hopeless optimist of Little Orphan Annie and her vision of tomorrow.

My eye is on the “prize”though I know not its substance. Will the waiting ever end? Will fulfillment ever be mine? Will I keep searching? I’m programmed to continue my quest for meaning. I also know I have to put in some hard work. My mere existence is hard work. I accepted that long ago. I’m just so tired, more tired than I’ve ever been. As long as the light of my quest burns within, I will keep searching…and waiting. I hope I find “what I’m looking for”…